Year in Review

I had 3 resolutions this past year.

1) Do what i want to do.

2) Want what i want to do.

3) Go skiing when i get back to denver on christmas

The first one, I have not done very well on.  The second one has not be very successful either.  The third – well i’m not even in colorado.

It feels like youth group is making it extra hard for me to connect with my peers. i want to move on, but the need is too great.  i see the ministry going in a totally different direction than one in which i want to be involved in. not that the direction is bad in itself (no, it can turn out really good); it’s just that i don’t see my part in it.  there are not many opportunities to contribute according to my strengths, which comes down to teaching. (which has been a problem since i haven’t been learning anything. hahaha) future is uncertain right now. trust in God.

Things I’ve learned.

1) play to my strength. Don’t spread myself out thin doing things i’m not good at, especially in regards to ministry.

2) don’t trust others too much. i dunno if this is a lesson that should be unlearned. it certainly is one i’d rather have not learned.

2009 resolutions

1) exercise 3 times a week (eat right too)

2) have regular jam sessions with others(once a week)

3) smile more.

can it be true?

The Christmas story seems too good to be true.  So many people around me, so many ideas, much of my own experience, tells me that it can’t be true.  But if it wasn’t, there’d be no hope.  So i hang on desperately; hanging on hoping and hoping that it is true; that there is grace, that there is love.  Otherwise, this world would be so empty.

there can be no resurrection,

There can be no resurrection

if there is no crucifixion.

There can be no joy in worship

if there is no fearful reverence

There can be no love displayed

if there is no righteous justice

Justification by faith alone; Sanctification by works?

I need to be taught more. I need to read up more. But my gut reaction tells me that sanctification, is by faith alone, just like justification. (I actually remember hearing my friend Chung talk about this my last year in college. It was sort of an epiphany.) It just fits in perfectly with rest of my theology. It’s never the case that we do 50% and God does the other 50%, or even that we do 1% and God does 99%. It’s always that we try and try and try, but end up with 0%, and God does 100%, in justification, as well as sanctification. We can never get to second story if we go forwards, back, left and right. We can only get there by going up. It’s too easy to view these things as two separate processes. But in reality, those who are justified are inevitably, irrevocably, sanctified – for it is God who does these things. If we are to live our Christian lives trying to get a higher place in heaven, we’ll be sorely disappointed when we get there. It is God’s to give; or will we be discontent because He is generous with His gifts? If we try to achieve more than other Christians, we’re saying not all glory goes to God. It falls apart.

But if this is the case, why should we ‘work out’ our salvation? Why should we not go on sinning that grace may abound? It is foolish to ask these kind of questions. It just shows that we have not understood the true nature of God’s work. Justification, Sanctification, Glorification. They are not three different processes. They are one. If we say we can go on sinning, we’ve misunderstood the very nature of His work. When we are justified, we have become a wholly different creatures. We are no longer the beggar girl, but the bride. Totally different standing, title, identity. We still sin and sink into old habits because we have not recognized this; we have forgotten who we are instead.

We all agree that justification is by faith alone. I hope I am right in thinking that sanctification is by faith alone as well. For all glory belongs to God.

She Looked Into the Mirror

She looked into the mirror
Admired her own face
“Oh to stay this way forever!”
Her soul had gone to waste

He looked out the window
Of his roomy corner office
“There’s nothing I can’t handle!”
His soul was in a coffin

They looked toward heaven
As they were led to slaughter.
“What joy to share in His suffering!”
These were His sons and daughters.

Beauty shall pass, and so will fame
Only His glory, our joy remain

—

wanted to write something about crawling in…. but… I have a feeling that Christ is sabotaging every poem i write to be about Him. HAHAHAHA.

Somewhere, Someone

If the clouds should hide the sun,
Or the rain should leave me wet
Still I know somewhere, someone
Thinks of me, though I know not yet

Let them threaten, mock and jeer
Gossip, lie and show contempt
Still I know; to me it’s clear
Somewhere, someone still loves me yet

Let them whip and pierce my side
Crucify me on a tree
I’ll know my soul will never die
Somewhere, someone’s done this for me

—-

dang it i wanted to write a cheesy love poem. 😛

Our kids

The students that graduated a couple years ago – that class was the last of their legacy.  I wonder what our classes will look like.  Will they know and fear the Lord? Will they stand firm in the faith as they move on through college? I’m afraid they will not.  I’m afraid that even the best and the brightest of our kids will falter.  And it is because we were more concerned for ourselves, we were more concerned with the kids even.  We didn’t back out far enough to see the bigger picture, and was hence unable to see the importance in the minute.  As I sat there listening to my kids say these mean, nasty things to each other at church, I couldn’t but help think how we’ve failed, how I’ve failed.  I remembered the countless times that I’ve complained in the darkness instead of praying for them.  I remembered the broken promises to love, to serve, to teach and uphold the Truth.  The times when I’ve picked up the wrong book, or stared into the void of the monitor instead.  How cold, unbroken is my heart even now!

The youngest of my class.  Can he relate to me?  Can he learn anything from me?  Is my life, are my thoughts worth emulating?  Are my words and my heart sincere?  This is all very doubtful.

I remember one of my past pastor telling me that I need to teach, that it is my gift, that it is a sin if i do not teach.  But I do not know anything.  I feel myself, my thoughts, my knowledge of God, slipping into the muddy waters.  And once in a while, I am shocked and awakened ever so briefly by the splash of cold hard Truth.  It feels liberating.  But just as soon as this sensation passes by, my thoughts return to what i know to be soft, gray, futile, and worldly.  How am I to teach in this condition?

Who will teach them?  Who? Who will instruct them to remember, to know, to fear, to worship, to love?

need to change the first four lines…

The Lady Matron Mistress once advised
“Be Cool, and try to never act in haste.
For if the girl should find that you have tried
then surely she’ll be scared and spurn the chase.”

And never show your cards. In patience, wait.
If you don’t have a hand, then do not bet!
Sometimes you cannot force the hand of fate
So cut your loses, wait and see what’s next

This game like any other have these rules
Obey them; they will help you to the end
but break the one that seems to be no use
and you’ll be left with nothing in your hands

The heart is but a suite, the other three
are diamonds, clubs, and finally vanity

Scribbles

The scribbles on the tree looked harmless.  Names, years, and relationships.  Bobby + Jenny ’93.  They wanted to remember the time they were here, to remember that moment, that place, like how Jacob gathered the stones in Bethel.

Some people live for fame, to be remembered by others.  But most of us live to be remembered by ourselves and by those closest to us, by those we call friends and loved ones.   From this rememberance we derive meaning.  We want to know that our lives had meaning, a purpose.  So we mark the tree, the bench, and other landmarks with our names, with what identify us in that place and time.

Yet we forget, don’t we?  Days, or perhaps years pass by and we forget about that place, those people.  The happiest moments of our lives are slowly enveloped behind the thick impenetrable fog of time.  We use words, pictures, and movies to aid us in searching through this fog, but they can never clear it.  They all fail to capture these moments.

And eventually, at some moment of awakening, we realizes that not only are the happiest moments forgotten, but our entire selves as well.  We realize that we will fade into that immemorial forgetful sleep.  At the end, there is nothing but sleep.

This is what Christ saves us from.  That is why God put his name, himself on the tree, to bring up the lesser, lower, baser things, to raise them up to Himself.  To cross the dimensions of time, to wake us up from our inevitable lull.  Without Christ, there is no hope of purpose.

should be writing programs

With every stroke, you chisel in my heart,
unruly and rebellious it may be,
you heal the pains and carve into the scars
yet deeper still, for you’re not done with me

The clanging of the nails do not but tell
the coming with inevitability
that I’m to die completely to myself
in so to  share with you eternity

But fear of death, the worries of this life
the waves of doubt, and wanting to be king
directs my heart from joy and into strife
unwarranted complaints to you i bring

Oh call me, for I’m stumbling in the dark
Direct me once again to where you are!

—-