Archive for the 'Personal Life' Category

Alone

March 6, 2010

C.S. Lewis once wrote “We read to know that we’re not alone.” but for a skeptic, no amount of knowledge will assuage the constant pull of existential loneliness. How can I know for sure that there is a world outside of me? And if I doubt that how can I know that I exist? We want to know that we are not alone in this universe; for if we are then we wouldn’t know whether we existed at all.

I think this is why we read or play games or socialize or anything else in fact. But this is especially evident in our relationships. There is something stately and regal in the meeting of friends who come together for some common interests; there is a sense of heavenly passions in romantic love. But if we do not learn to sacrificially love one another, we can’t really know that we exist. Interests and passions cool; friendships lost and loves broken. We fear that the sacrificially giving of ourselves will leave us with nothing, but it’s the only thing that will allow our self-hood to continue. Oddly enough it’s the soul growing inward that will run out of room to grow.

When Jesus commands his disciples to love one another or when the beloved disciple tells us our love will show the condition of our salvation, we treat these commands as a system of rewards and punishments. But it’s not. Christ has already secured our reward. Instead these commands are descriptions of the ultimate reality, descriptions of truth. So the ultimate answer to our existential wanderings is found in this reality, in this command to love, demonstrated and initiated and carried on and perfected by our great Love, Jesus Christ.

Sometimes in my autonomously happy states of singleness I contemplate the life of solitude and philosophizing and writing poetry and listening to the rain. But these longings too are selfish and too narrow. God has to enlarge my views and my heart to love the world.

A Declaration

January 1, 2010

This is a Declaration of War.
War upon all my sinful desires and habits,
the indwelling, hideous nature that
is dead, and yet must constantly
be put to death, everyday.

This is a Declaration of Peace.
Peace between myself and Shalom,
and between myself and my neighbors.
Peace that is more than the absence
of conflict, but a presence of Love.

This is a Declaration of Independence.
Of freedom from my old counterfeit life
that led to death, that enslaved me
through false promises of pleasures ever-more
that kept me from doing the things I wanted to do.

This is a Declaration of Helplessness
For I have nothing within me that can save me
and I am not healthy but sick in need of a Doctor,
that again and again I must come back to the point
from which I started, beneath Your bloodied feet.

This is a Declaration that this year
will be filled with ceaseless prayers,
of faithful service, and of joyful giving.
That this year, I conform no longer,
but know Your will by renewing of my mind.

Year in Review

December 29, 2008

I had 3 resolutions this past year.

1) Do what i want to do.

2) Want what i want to do.

3) Go skiing when i get back to denver on christmas

The first one, I have not done very well on.  The second one has not be very successful either.  The third – well i’m not even in colorado.

It feels like youth group is making it extra hard for me to connect with my peers. i want to move on, but the need is too great.  i see the ministry going in a totally different direction than one in which i want to be involved in. not that the direction is bad in itself (no, it can turn out really good); it’s just that i don’t see my part in it.  there are not many opportunities to contribute according to my strengths, which comes down to teaching. (which has been a problem since i haven’t been learning anything. hahaha) future is uncertain right now. trust in God.

Things I’ve learned.

1) play to my strength. Don’t spread myself out thin doing things i’m not good at, especially in regards to ministry.

2) don’t trust others too much. i dunno if this is a lesson that should be unlearned. it certainly is one i’d rather have not learned.

2009 resolutions

1) exercise 3 times a week (eat right too)

2) have regular jam sessions with others(once a week)

3) smile more.